2004-09-16 - 12:57 p.m.

So, I've spent a few days thinking about the lapse of the assault weapons ban, and I think I have finally figured out the reasoning of the Right on this issue: Assault weapons will save America.

You see, we need Uzis to protect fetuses from the murderous impulses of their mothers. If we just arm Randall Terry with semiautomatic weapons, the killing of doctors will be that much easier. Why bother with the skill needed to use a rifle or a pistol when you can discharge 100 rounds a minute? You're sure to hit the bastard that way! And who cares if some women going to Planned Parenthood for prenatal care gets in the way of the gusts of lead? They should have known better than to take their precious fetuses to a clinic frequented by abortion-minded harlots and homicidal doctors. You see, it makes perfect sense.

And I am going to lead the charge. After the clinics, I'm storming the stem cell research labs and gunning down the scientists. After all, our little anthrax scare didn't stop them, did it? So, we have to kill the scientists because their potentially life saving research goes against God's plan--which is for us all to die from treatable diseases.

And from the research labs it's on to the schools. You want to teach Sex Ed? I'd like to see you try to roll that condom over a banana when I've got my Tech-9 between your eyes. I'm just looking out for the kids here. It is in their best interest to be as ignorant as possible about their bodies. Sex is for marriage. Unless, of course, you're gay, in which case you can't get married or have sex. But, hey, while I've got my military-style assault weapon in my hands, it shouldn't be too much trouble to gun down some fags, huh?

And speaking of schools--just look at those damn teachers. Those quasi-socialist, french speaking terrorists bitches need to be taught a lesson themselves. How dare they impart knowledge! That's not what school is for! School is where we weed out the factory fodder from the future soldiers of God's Revolution. We have strayed from that path, and that is precisely why there is and epidemic of violence in our schools right now. It's a good thing Uzis are legal now, so little Jimmy can take one to school and fend off the evil plans of the next Eric and Dylan.

And then it's off to the ACLU. Who do these fuckers think they are? Who died and made them the guardians of the Constitution? As every good American knows, the only part of the Constitution worth a damn is the 2nd Amendment, and I for one fully intend to use my 2nd Amendment rights to blow these assholes off the planet.

And there you have it, the moral certitude of the Right. Guns are good. Women's lives, science, education, tolerance, and individual liberty are bad. Up is down. In is out. Four legs good, two legs bad.

Outrage fatigue has offically subsided. I'm here to inform you that I am back. And with a fucking vengeance!

POSTSCRIPT: Apparently, I am psychic. Check out this article from the Detroit Free Press:

Cops seize weapons from home of teenager

Police thought it was a case of boneheaded teen bragging when the tip came in.

But then they found homemade bombs, school blueprints, an assault rifle and shotguns stashed in his basement and attic.

"Obviously, we had the potential for a Columbine here," said Clinton Township Police Lt. Marc Rybinski, referring to the 1999 high school attack by two Colorado students that killed 12 classmates and a teacher.

A raid of the teenager's Oakland Court home Thursday uncovered the shotguns and bombs, as well as other deadly devices and materials, such as aluminum sulfite and an AK47, authorities said. Officials also found homemade videotapes of the teen with assault weapons.

Investigators also found Nazi, anti-Semitic and other hate material, authorities said. A search warrant was issued Thursday night on a second home, blocks away from Oakland Court, where authorities found additional bomb-making material. About 9 p.m., Clinton Township police began a search of Chippewa Valley High. Calls to school officials were not returned late Thursday.

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