2004-09-23 - 8:51 a.m.

So, I was listening to the radio this morning, and there was a discussion about a recent Dr. Phil episode about how to determine if your precious little spawn might someday become an evil serial killer!

So, parents, please commit these fourteen characteristics to memory--and if your child has any of them, please commit your children:

Serial Killer Characteristics

1. Over 90 percent of serial killers are male.
   
   
2. They tend to be intelligent, with IQ's in the "bright normal" range.
   
   
3. They do poorly in school, have trouble holding down jobs, and often work as unskilled laborers.
   
   
4. They tend to come from markedly unstable families.
   
   
5. As children, they are abandoned by their fathers and raised by domineering mothers.
   
   
6. Their families often have criminal, psychiatric and alcoholic histories.
   
   
7. They hate their fathers and mothers.
   
   
8. They are commonly abused as children � psychologically, physically and sexually. Often the abuse is by a family member.
   
   
9. Many serial killers spend time in institutions as children and have records of early psychiatric problems.
   
   
10. They have high rates of suicide attempts.
    
    
11. From an early age, many are intensely interested in voyeurism, fetishism, and sado-masochistic pornography.
    
    
12. More than 60 percent of serial killers wet their beds beyond the age of 12.
    
    
13. Many serial killers are fascinated with fire starting.
    
    
14. They are involved with sadistic activity or tormenting small creatures.
    
    

• On spanking vs. time-out: "I don't think that's even a close call. I think there are things that are clearly indicated as more efficient ways to shape a child's behavior than others." (McGraw advocates time-out.)
  
  Holy shit! I actually agree with Dr. Phil! Surely, that is a sign of the apocalypse.
  
  
• On the breakdown of the American family: "We've become a 70 percent double-income society with both parents working. We have an interesting story in the special about a really out-of-control child, and Mom and Dad are both working. And Dad says, 'Look, I have to work 60 or 70 hours a week because we don't have any choice. Here's our house payment. Here are our two car payments.' And you know what my attitude is about that? Move to a smaller house, drive older cars because if you can't make the sacrifices and you're not willing to do something different, that child is going to ruin your life."
  
  Ah, Dr. Phil is back to form here...and I'm back to thinking he's a quack without a psychology degree who has no fucking business counseling the American people.
  
  Move to a smaller house? Moron, do you really think that is the problem? unemployment is at 5.4%, the number of Americans living in poverty continues to grow, the wage gap between men and women widened this year for the first time since 1995--do you really think these people are living in 7,000 square foot houses with a private servant's entrance? No, they are living in tract housing, and working 60-70 hours a week because they really don't have a fucking choice!
  
  And drive an older car? Are you unaware the older cars also run on gasoline, and the Citgo doesn't give a jalopy discount. And, of course, there is the fact that older cars require more maintenance than newer cars, and without the benefit of being under warranty and that means more money out of your pocket.
  
  And do you need more proof that Dr. Phil is a complete fucking charlatan? Those are his only two relevant suggestions! Give the kids a time out and move to a smaller house. Quick, someone get Dr. Phil a job with the FBI, because they obviously need his expertise there!
  
  
  EDITED TO ADD:I had four of the fourteen characterists. Let me know how many you have!

  �

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